Last blog ended with the note of October and the monster 'depression'. And I think that says it all. Well maybe to me anyway. The first Friday in October was Chemo day (as usual) and I went in for treatment. I had been having some really down days and the nurses said that there was a counselor on staff that helps with dealing with the stress and depression that sometimes accompanies cancer. Sometimes - there's no sometimes about it - cancer is stressful and how can you not get some form of depression, their pumping chemicals to kill you into your body every week. Pffft.
So I opted to talk to the counselor - big mistake. After talking to me for about an hour she told me my problem was that I wasn't accepting the fact that I was dying. What? Are you kidding me? Truly she wasn't what I needed. But of course that started me thinking that maybe that was my trouble. Had I not dealt with the whole death issue yet and was that depressing me? Who knows. Anyway between her 'counseling' and the new Prescription of Prozac that was given to me I was absolutely at the bottom of the barrel.
So Saturday morning I woke up in tears and it only got worse through out the day. There were period where my family could do nothing but hold me while I sobbed. And the shaking when I wasn't crying was totally terrifying me. I just didn't know what was happening to me and it was a nightmare. The crying and shaking was even worse on Sunday and I was terrified as to what would happen on Tuesday when I would have to return to work. I wasn't sure that I could do it.
Then Sunday evening a miracle occurred. The phone rang. And I knew it was for me. I had been talking to God a lot, as you can imagine, for two days and felt abandoned. So when the phone rang it was very clear in my head that I needed to talk to whomever was calling. But I didn't want to. My husband answered and said 'it's for you'. Duh, I already knew that. So I took the phone unwillingly.
On the line was someone who I truly respected, our old Stake President (again a Mormon title here). A man with wonderful patience, intelligence and walks with the Spirit. He said 'I was just going into do some Genealogy and you came into my thoughts and I felt I needed to see how you were'. And I told him, truly, usually I'm not that forward with anyone but close friends and family but I just told him. And after I had run on for several minutes he said 'Jan, do you think it could be a reaction to the Medicine'. Of course, the Prozac, I was having a terrible reaction to the Prozac. How stupid of me not to have seen it before. After thanking him profusely and then thanking my Heavenly Father for sending just the right person to listen to my woes. I called Kaiser for help.
Believe it or not they have a Psychiatrist that you can talk to on the phone. It was wonderful. And he confirmed that the Prozac was causing most of the trouble and said if I had just called earlier then he would have proscribed another medicine for me that would help me to sleep and calm me down. Now here is where the Lord had arranged everything so nicely. 'What medicine?' I asked. Ativan was the answer. I almost laughed into the phone. I had that in my chemical arsenal - it's an anti nausea drug but I hadn't used it since it made me so sleepy. Thank you, God.
So with Ativan in my system I slept. Unfortunately the Psychiatrist told me that it would take several days for the Prozac to get out of my system. So the shaking and crying continued. Unfortunately too this opened the flood gate and the depression that I had been fighting came in like a flood. I have never ever had as horrible of an experience with depression as I had with this during this time. There were many days that started with tears and shaking, followed by the inability to even raise my head up. It was more of a nightmare than the cancer was. The cancer I could fight on an emotional level and there by keep mentally kicking it in the butt but the depression totally removed this weapon from my ability to cope. It was bad, really bad.
The Psychiatrist put me in an anxiety and depression group and I met with them for the first time that following Thursday. Still shaking and struggling against the depression I went and found some relief. But more importantly for me I found an outlet for dealing with the cancer - helping others. I came home that first night still shaking but uplifted because I felt that I had made a difference. You can imagine when the other attendees came that first night an found me, hairless, shaking and trying to deal with dying that they felt that their troubles were sightly smaller than they had thought :)
One lady later told me that she had almost headed for the door that first night since the reason she was there was in part because she was dealing with the death, by cancer, of her sister. Having me there was tough but exactly what she needed. I was grateful for that reassurance from her that I was helping and not making things worse for her.
Next - more treatment, bumps and Thanksgiving. Next Link :) Part 9
Monday, March 19, 2012
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Popeye was Wrong!
Okay so back to my writing about making my diet more healthy. Last time I wrote a bit about eggs for breakfast. Well today I'm going to add spinach to that list since I add spinach to eggs occasionally to up it's vitamins for me. Spinach, that green bitter vegetable. I'm sure someone out there is saying it's not bitter. Well compared to the other leafy veggies I think spinach is bitter unless it's hidden in something or under something (like dressing). I do like spinach which is good since it has a lot of great stuff in it.
Well oddly enough I came into this believing that it was a great source of Iron. Every time I go to give blood and find my hematocrit (test for iron in your blood) is to low they say eat spinach. Well one cup of spinach only gives you 5% of your RDA (Recommended Daily Allowance) of Iron. According to one of my sources this misinformation happened years ago when a scientist moved a decimal point in the wrong direction and made spinach high in iron. That got out and just like a fake, juicy rumor on the internet there is no stopping it. It has iron but if you are iron deficient I would actually look to a different source. Think of eating 20 cups of spinach to get 100% of your iron a day. You can see why I think you should look somewhere else. Just an FYI I eat Cream of Wheat fortified with iron when my iron gets low - helps a lot.
What spinach really has is Magnesium, Calcium and Potassium. It's huge on vitamin A (56% of your RDA in one cup) and over the top on Vit K (181% of your RDA). Vitamin K helps with a lot of things but most important to me is it helps with the absorption of Calcium and helps prevent osteoporosis. A real plus at my age.
Spinach is a good source of omega 3 fatty acids and folate (folic acid) - all good stuff.
In our household we eat spinach in tons of foods. Salads are where you find it normally but we have it in Smoothies too. Try looking at Allrecipes.com and put in green smoothie. It's awesome. You don't taste the spinach in the smoothie but get all the benefits. I add it to eggs too that's why I'm blogging about spinach at the point. Spinach wilts when it gets heated and according to your taste you can have it plain, with lemon and olive oil or mixed in sauces. I make a pasta dish we refer to as the 'San Francisco' - Fettuccine, and an Alfredo based sauce with chicken, shrimp and Spinach. It's awesome. So try mixing it into your food to 'hide' it from those who frown on it.
Next: Onions (I love onions).
PS - well I read recently that spinach has a lot of iron in it in a major publication. BUT it has to be cooked and you need to eat a whole cup to get the iron. This makes sense since you need about 20 cups of fresh to get a your 100% RDA so if you wilt it then you can fit a whole lot more in a cup. I hate cooked spinach unless it's disguised by something. Hmmmm.
Well oddly enough I came into this believing that it was a great source of Iron. Every time I go to give blood and find my hematocrit (test for iron in your blood) is to low they say eat spinach. Well one cup of spinach only gives you 5% of your RDA (Recommended Daily Allowance) of Iron. According to one of my sources this misinformation happened years ago when a scientist moved a decimal point in the wrong direction and made spinach high in iron. That got out and just like a fake, juicy rumor on the internet there is no stopping it. It has iron but if you are iron deficient I would actually look to a different source. Think of eating 20 cups of spinach to get 100% of your iron a day. You can see why I think you should look somewhere else. Just an FYI I eat Cream of Wheat fortified with iron when my iron gets low - helps a lot.
What spinach really has is Magnesium, Calcium and Potassium. It's huge on vitamin A (56% of your RDA in one cup) and over the top on Vit K (181% of your RDA). Vitamin K helps with a lot of things but most important to me is it helps with the absorption of Calcium and helps prevent osteoporosis. A real plus at my age.
Spinach is a good source of omega 3 fatty acids and folate (folic acid) - all good stuff.
In our household we eat spinach in tons of foods. Salads are where you find it normally but we have it in Smoothies too. Try looking at Allrecipes.com and put in green smoothie. It's awesome. You don't taste the spinach in the smoothie but get all the benefits. I add it to eggs too that's why I'm blogging about spinach at the point. Spinach wilts when it gets heated and according to your taste you can have it plain, with lemon and olive oil or mixed in sauces. I make a pasta dish we refer to as the 'San Francisco' - Fettuccine, and an Alfredo based sauce with chicken, shrimp and Spinach. It's awesome. So try mixing it into your food to 'hide' it from those who frown on it.
Next: Onions (I love onions).
PS - well I read recently that spinach has a lot of iron in it in a major publication. BUT it has to be cooked and you need to eat a whole cup to get the iron. This makes sense since you need about 20 cups of fresh to get a your 100% RDA so if you wilt it then you can fit a whole lot more in a cup. I hate cooked spinach unless it's disguised by something. Hmmmm.
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
New Addition to My Garden
So my husband and I have been looking for ways to expand our gardening area. We have a little back yard and space is at a premium. Especially space where there is actual sunlight for at least 6 hours. So I was on Pinterest and came across this amazing looking tiered planting bed. It was a kit and the price was a bit more than my budget could handle plus it was in cedar (I think), well it wasn't in redwood, which is what all our other planting beds are made of. I'm obsessive compulsive about everything matching. So I showed it to my husband. He said 'if you can draw the plans up for me then I can build it'. Well after staring at the website I realize that it is just a series of boxes stacked on top of each other and joined at the back corner by screwing the boxes into a 2 x 4 so I scribbled a bit and Tada!
Those are strawberries your looking at and the second to the top opening has beets planted. I plan on putting herbs in the top. You may be noticing too our next project stacked just to the left of our box. Making a potato tower next. Wooohoo! Enjoy!
It was easier than we thought - and doesn't it look amazing :)
Your going to need 8 - 2" x 8" x 8' and 1 - 2" x 4" x 8' (we were only able to find the 2" x 8" boards at Lowes) and a box of 2 5/8" Deck Screws
For tools you will need something to cut the boards with (we used a circular saw)
and an electric drill (to do the pre-drill so that the boards won't split when putting in the screws)
and electric screw driver
You cut the boards thus:
5 of the boards need to be cut in half (exactly as possible) these are the fronts and backs of each of the boxes you will be building
The sides are as follows:
You need:
2 - 48"
2 - 36"
2 - 28"
2 - 19"
2 - 10"
We were able to combine the 36" board with the 10" and the 28" boards with the 19" so all of the above only used 3 boards.
Finally cut the 2 x 4 into 2 approximately 40" lengths - there will be a bit left over.
Then comes assembly:
We put the boards in so that the sides went butt up against the ends. That way we knew that the width of the box would be a uniform 4'. We pre-drilled all the holes (2 in each board) and then assembled with the deck screws.
After assembling the boxes we started stacking them just one at a time with the two 2" x 4"'s in the back corner with the narrow part of the 2" x 4" against the back wall and the wide part against the side. Again we pre-drilled and then screwed it together. Continue the stacking and screwing to complete the assembly. A nice plus in doing it this way is that it squared itself as we screwed it into the 2" x 4" board.
Finally, it takes a lot of dirt to fill this so we put our heavy clay soil in the back of the unit until it was about 1/2 full being careful not to get any in the front part then we bought garden soil (I don't remember the brand) and it took about 6 - 3 cubic ft bags to fill it.
Those are strawberries your looking at and the second to the top opening has beets planted. I plan on putting herbs in the top. You may be noticing too our next project stacked just to the left of our box. Making a potato tower next. Wooohoo! Enjoy!
Monday, March 5, 2012
Cancer - Next Installment - Part 7
I know this thing just keeps going on and on. Sorry but trying to tackle this in one LONG Blog would have made me crazy. So we are at the fun (sarcasm intended) part of the cancer treatment. Chemo. Because of my last experience with Chemo I was dreading this part and when the Oncologist said she wanted to do small treatments EVERY week for at least 4 months you can imagine my joy. Yeah, don't break out the party balloons here.
First we were given assignments by the nurse who walked me through my 'chemo' experience of all the things we need to do to prepare me for treatments. A big one included finishing the front bathroom shower since I wasn't allowed to 'share' bathrooms with anyone. If you want motivation to get a DIY project done in a hurry in your home try getting cancer (seriouly no but wow). We also had to scrub the house from stem to stern to protect me from germs. I also struggled with getting enough water to satisfy the chemo nurses (8 cups a day) so I came up with water bracelets - 8 elastic bracelets with pretty beads (that I made myself) that would start each day on my left arm and as I drank the water I would transfer the bracelets one at a time to the right arm. That way my family could tell at a glance where I was at with my water consumption. This really helped since I lived in a chemo fog and couldn't remember anything - one day sort of blended into the next.
So chemo started on the first Friday of June in 2007 and with it a surprise. New nausea meds that actually worked. Wooohooo. I can't tell you how much that made my day. Not a single barfing moment. Loved it. That's not to say that it was easy - it wasn't, and that I wasn't queasy sometimes - I was, but wow what a difference. I would make it through Saturday and about half way through Sunday before the world would crash down on me and exhaustion would take over but I made it none the less.
On Monday evening the 'fog' and exhaustion would start to lift and Tuesday Morning I was back at work. Yes, I did work through my entire cancer experience with some wonderful support from my amazing Boss and the addition of Annette in my office, I did it. Some of you may be saying why work - truthfully it kept me from going totally crazy. The cancer takes over your life and you just want something normal back. Work did that for me.
I just wanted to stop here and tell you about the amazing support that came from all around me. The Sisters in my Ward (again a reminder here that I am Mormon and am speaking Mormonese - we refer to each other as Brother and Sister since we all believe that we are children of God and 'Ward' means Congregation) took me to all my treatments - every week someone new would pick me up and drive me miles to the hospital where I would get my weekly dose and, even though I offered, not one of them would take payment for their gas. So I got around that by baking goodies every Friday morning for my wonderful Sisters :) I even took some to my fellow suffers and nurses in the chemo lab. I was the hit of the party. My Son (who stopped his life, his schooling and everything else just so he could be there for me) would pick me up after the 3 and 1/2 hour treatment. I had to have someone drive me because the first thing they give you is a 'bag' with Benedryl in it. Snooze city. Can you imagine me trying to drive home after that? Not a chance.
I can't tell you too how many times friends, Sisters from my Ward, family, etc. would show up on my door step with dinner or offers for anything they could help with. My In-Laws would drive over regularly from the Bay Area to take me to dinner and just to let Jeffery and I know that they cared. I have also saved all the emails from that period and am amazed in reviewing them how much love and support we received. I truly treasure the people in my life.
In August I had my first CT Scan - my Oncologist was hopeful about everything since the manual exams seemed to be pointing toward the tumor under my arm feeling smaller. So I drank the 'banana crap' and went in for my first CT Scan since diagnosis. Then came the waiting and waiting and well you get the idea. I don't wait well. Finally I went in to see her. And she came in with a bit of a dance, really - I told you she was cute. The tumors were shrinking and several small tumors on my lungs appeared to be gone - really truly gone. Wooohooo. Dancing with my Doctor :) Now for the bad news - I am doing SO well that we just going to keep doing this for another 2 months on top of the 4 months. Yep - 6 full months of chemo. You won't get a woohooo from me on that one.
One funny item here - my hair - everyone told me that it would fall out so I shaved it really short like last time. You can see this one coming can't you - Yup, it never fell all out. It just got really thin. Stupid.
And so it continued. Next Scan was a MUGGA - for my heart - as long as I was on the Herceptin then the MUGGAs would continue every 3 months. My heart was holding up just fine. Just an FYI here - I continued the Herceptin for over 2 and 1/2 years (even after the main chemo was done) the Radiology tech and I got to be pretty good friends :) Another FYI here too - at one point several months into treatment the Oncologist pointedly asked me if I smoked. No Mormon's don't smoke - it's against our 'Word of Wisdom' revelation from the Lord to do so. 'That's why' she said. Why what? Well apparently smoking destroys whatever it is that the MUGGA is trying to measure. Wow. She had another lady, that was also fighting the same cancer as I was, who was not allowed the Herceptin - she smoked - and her heart would give out long before the cancer would killed her. How terrifying to know there is a drug that can help you but you are denied it because you smoke. Wow. What a testimony builder. You never know when you will see the benefit of following the Lord.
Next - October and the Black Death of Depression. Next link :) Part 8
First we were given assignments by the nurse who walked me through my 'chemo' experience of all the things we need to do to prepare me for treatments. A big one included finishing the front bathroom shower since I wasn't allowed to 'share' bathrooms with anyone. If you want motivation to get a DIY project done in a hurry in your home try getting cancer (seriouly no but wow). We also had to scrub the house from stem to stern to protect me from germs. I also struggled with getting enough water to satisfy the chemo nurses (8 cups a day) so I came up with water bracelets - 8 elastic bracelets with pretty beads (that I made myself) that would start each day on my left arm and as I drank the water I would transfer the bracelets one at a time to the right arm. That way my family could tell at a glance where I was at with my water consumption. This really helped since I lived in a chemo fog and couldn't remember anything - one day sort of blended into the next.
So chemo started on the first Friday of June in 2007 and with it a surprise. New nausea meds that actually worked. Wooohooo. I can't tell you how much that made my day. Not a single barfing moment. Loved it. That's not to say that it was easy - it wasn't, and that I wasn't queasy sometimes - I was, but wow what a difference. I would make it through Saturday and about half way through Sunday before the world would crash down on me and exhaustion would take over but I made it none the less.
On Monday evening the 'fog' and exhaustion would start to lift and Tuesday Morning I was back at work. Yes, I did work through my entire cancer experience with some wonderful support from my amazing Boss and the addition of Annette in my office, I did it. Some of you may be saying why work - truthfully it kept me from going totally crazy. The cancer takes over your life and you just want something normal back. Work did that for me.
I just wanted to stop here and tell you about the amazing support that came from all around me. The Sisters in my Ward (again a reminder here that I am Mormon and am speaking Mormonese - we refer to each other as Brother and Sister since we all believe that we are children of God and 'Ward' means Congregation) took me to all my treatments - every week someone new would pick me up and drive me miles to the hospital where I would get my weekly dose and, even though I offered, not one of them would take payment for their gas. So I got around that by baking goodies every Friday morning for my wonderful Sisters :) I even took some to my fellow suffers and nurses in the chemo lab. I was the hit of the party. My Son (who stopped his life, his schooling and everything else just so he could be there for me) would pick me up after the 3 and 1/2 hour treatment. I had to have someone drive me because the first thing they give you is a 'bag' with Benedryl in it. Snooze city. Can you imagine me trying to drive home after that? Not a chance.
I can't tell you too how many times friends, Sisters from my Ward, family, etc. would show up on my door step with dinner or offers for anything they could help with. My In-Laws would drive over regularly from the Bay Area to take me to dinner and just to let Jeffery and I know that they cared. I have also saved all the emails from that period and am amazed in reviewing them how much love and support we received. I truly treasure the people in my life.
In August I had my first CT Scan - my Oncologist was hopeful about everything since the manual exams seemed to be pointing toward the tumor under my arm feeling smaller. So I drank the 'banana crap' and went in for my first CT Scan since diagnosis. Then came the waiting and waiting and well you get the idea. I don't wait well. Finally I went in to see her. And she came in with a bit of a dance, really - I told you she was cute. The tumors were shrinking and several small tumors on my lungs appeared to be gone - really truly gone. Wooohooo. Dancing with my Doctor :) Now for the bad news - I am doing SO well that we just going to keep doing this for another 2 months on top of the 4 months. Yep - 6 full months of chemo. You won't get a woohooo from me on that one.
One funny item here - my hair - everyone told me that it would fall out so I shaved it really short like last time. You can see this one coming can't you - Yup, it never fell all out. It just got really thin. Stupid.
And so it continued. Next Scan was a MUGGA - for my heart - as long as I was on the Herceptin then the MUGGAs would continue every 3 months. My heart was holding up just fine. Just an FYI here - I continued the Herceptin for over 2 and 1/2 years (even after the main chemo was done) the Radiology tech and I got to be pretty good friends :) Another FYI here too - at one point several months into treatment the Oncologist pointedly asked me if I smoked. No Mormon's don't smoke - it's against our 'Word of Wisdom' revelation from the Lord to do so. 'That's why' she said. Why what? Well apparently smoking destroys whatever it is that the MUGGA is trying to measure. Wow. She had another lady, that was also fighting the same cancer as I was, who was not allowed the Herceptin - she smoked - and her heart would give out long before the cancer would killed her. How terrifying to know there is a drug that can help you but you are denied it because you smoke. Wow. What a testimony builder. You never know when you will see the benefit of following the Lord.
Next - October and the Black Death of Depression. Next link :) Part 8
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)