Last blog ended with the note of October and the monster 'depression'. And I think that says it all. Well maybe to me anyway. The first Friday in October was Chemo day (as usual) and I went in for treatment. I had been having some really down days and the nurses said that there was a counselor on staff that helps with dealing with the stress and depression that sometimes accompanies cancer. Sometimes - there's no sometimes about it - cancer is stressful and how can you not get some form of depression, their pumping chemicals to kill you into your body every week. Pffft.
So I opted to talk to the counselor - big mistake. After talking to me for about an hour she told me my problem was that I wasn't accepting the fact that I was dying. What? Are you kidding me? Truly she wasn't what I needed. But of course that started me thinking that maybe that was my trouble. Had I not dealt with the whole death issue yet and was that depressing me? Who knows. Anyway between her 'counseling' and the new Prescription of Prozac that was given to me I was absolutely at the bottom of the barrel.
So Saturday morning I woke up in tears and it only got worse through out the day. There were period where my family could do nothing but hold me while I sobbed. And the shaking when I wasn't crying was totally terrifying me. I just didn't know what was happening to me and it was a nightmare. The crying and shaking was even worse on Sunday and I was terrified as to what would happen on Tuesday when I would have to return to work. I wasn't sure that I could do it.
Then Sunday evening a miracle occurred. The phone rang. And I knew it was for me. I had been talking to God a lot, as you can imagine, for two days and felt abandoned. So when the phone rang it was very clear in my head that I needed to talk to whomever was calling. But I didn't want to. My husband answered and said 'it's for you'. Duh, I already knew that. So I took the phone unwillingly.
On the line was someone who I truly respected, our old Stake President (again a Mormon title here). A man with wonderful patience, intelligence and walks with the Spirit. He said 'I was just going into do some Genealogy and you came into my thoughts and I felt I needed to see how you were'. And I told him, truly, usually I'm not that forward with anyone but close friends and family but I just told him. And after I had run on for several minutes he said 'Jan, do you think it could be a reaction to the Medicine'. Of course, the Prozac, I was having a terrible reaction to the Prozac. How stupid of me not to have seen it before. After thanking him profusely and then thanking my Heavenly Father for sending just the right person to listen to my woes. I called Kaiser for help.
Believe it or not they have a Psychiatrist that you can talk to on the phone. It was wonderful. And he confirmed that the Prozac was causing most of the trouble and said if I had just called earlier then he would have proscribed another medicine for me that would help me to sleep and calm me down. Now here is where the Lord had arranged everything so nicely. 'What medicine?' I asked. Ativan was the answer. I almost laughed into the phone. I had that in my chemical arsenal - it's an anti nausea drug but I hadn't used it since it made me so sleepy. Thank you, God.
So with Ativan in my system I slept. Unfortunately the Psychiatrist told me that it would take several days for the Prozac to get out of my system. So the shaking and crying continued. Unfortunately too this opened the flood gate and the depression that I had been fighting came in like a flood. I have never ever had as horrible of an experience with depression as I had with this during this time. There were many days that started with tears and shaking, followed by the inability to even raise my head up. It was more of a nightmare than the cancer was. The cancer I could fight on an emotional level and there by keep mentally kicking it in the butt but the depression totally removed this weapon from my ability to cope. It was bad, really bad.
The Psychiatrist put me in an anxiety and depression group and I met with them for the first time that following Thursday. Still shaking and struggling against the depression I went and found some relief. But more importantly for me I found an outlet for dealing with the cancer - helping others. I came home that first night still shaking but uplifted because I felt that I had made a difference. You can imagine when the other attendees came that first night an found me, hairless, shaking and trying to deal with dying that they felt that their troubles were sightly smaller than they had thought :)
One lady later told me that she had almost headed for the door that first night since the reason she was there was in part because she was dealing with the death, by cancer, of her sister. Having me there was tough but exactly what she needed. I was grateful for that reassurance from her that I was helping and not making things worse for her.
Next - more treatment, bumps and Thanksgiving. Next Link :) Part 9
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