How do I start something like this? What can I tell you that might give you hope or might teach you something? What can my words do to help you understand what it is like to battle cancer? I am a SURVIVOR! Why? I have absolutely no idea. Truly. I just thank God for another day each and everyday that I wake up on this side of the veil that separates this life from the next. And yes, I truly do believe that there is a next life - a better life. Without pain and fear and cancer. Where I can live in joy with my family and friends and my Savior. And that is the only thing that has kept me together over the years.
I guess I will start back in 1999 when I was the ripe old age of 42 with an odd shaped breast lump in my left breast. Whenever they taught us in school about breast cancer the lumps were always hard and round. Well I'm here to tell you that that is a lie. My cancer was about two inches long and less than a 1/2 inch wide and I could put my fingers around it and pull it up easily away from my chest wall. As a matter of fact I dismissed it from my head totally since I was sure that it could in no way be breast cancer. I was wrong. Fortunately I had a mammogram scheduled for the first week of January so they immediately caught it. I had my regular Mammogram on Tuesday and on Thursday they called and invited me back. On Friday I was back for the worst mammogram I had ever had - bruises lasted for weeks. My OB/Gyn who had asked for the mammogram tried to reassure me that 90% of all breast lumps are nothing and not to freak out. Well I am the Queen of freak out :)
I was no sooner in my car on the way home when I burst into tears and cried pretty much all the 45 minutes home. I had one child in middle school and one in college and was just sure that I was going to die and leave them. I talked a lot to God on the way home. Bargaining for a bit more time. Asking for a personal strength that I was seriously lacking.
I made two decisions on that trip home. One, that I would tell no one but my immediate family what was going on. Down playing anything bad. My niece was deathly ill (she passed on Saturday AM) and I felt that was enough for the family to carry for awhile. And two, have a Priesthood blessing. Now if you are not a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter day Saints (Mormon) then this will mean nothing to you but to me it was everything. We believe that through the power of the Priesthood we can find out what God's plan is for us, we can get counsel and comfort and even be healed. Of course all of that is predicated on our faith and the will of God.
So I had the 'talk' with my family, which actually went pretty well and then that evening I had a Priesthood blessing (one of many I would have over the next few months). My Husband, Jeffery and a dear friend, Tom, came and I was told a ton of things that night. First off I was told that I had cancer. Period. But that I would survive (woohoo). And then I was given the blessing of peace. That part of the blessing kicked in immediately and NEVER left during all that followed that year. Not once did I worry about the cancer for the rest of the year as I traveled through surgeries and chemo.
You're probably wondering why in the world I would be told that I had cancer before the Doctors would tell me that same thing 2 weeks later. Well my Heavenly Father knows me really well and knew that I would deal with everything better if I was informed. I just function better with a bit of knowledge and understanding. So the next day I was off to the book store and bought Dr. Susan Love's Breast Book - the bible for women with Breast Cancer. I can't tell you how it helped in the weeks and months that followed.
So what was my next step - we'll it was a core biopsy. And with that I will work on part two next.
Since I am unable to do internal links in my blog (or at least I don't know how to) just click on Labels on the side for Cancer to find the next blog - there are 11 in all :) Enjoy!
Update: I figured out the link thingy - Part 2
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