So now to deal with the tough stuff. The recurrence left me with a lot of questions and unlike the first time I didn't know what I was dealing with. I thought it must be a recurrence but I also thought lung cancer? Lymph node cancer? And a dozen other things. First step on my list. Divorce my old Oncologist. I figured that I had seen her in January (this was April) and I even emailed her when I was having problems with my arm. So if she didn't jump right on what might have been an issue then I needed someone new. I actually asked my old Doctor for suggestions - crazy right - but I was 'in the system' and needed someone that was 'in the system' for my new Oncologist. I told my old Doctor that she was too far away and she accepted that. Referral given - new Oncologist received. Challenge - the new Oncologist was from Burma and her accent was a bit thick but she was awesome on communication - especially email. You have no accent with email :)
So next step - a biopsy, which was scheduled by my Emergency Room Doctor. So the following Monday I went in and had them take a hunk out of the tumor under my arm. I won't scare you with how this biopsy went - lets just say if you ever need a biopsy make doubly sure that you get enough local anesthetic before they try taking out the piece. Those old breathing exercises from child birth came in very handy. After lots of apologies from the surgeon I was on my way home to wait for my first appointment with my new Oncologist.
I don't know if it was a mistake or not but I went alone to that first appointment. Since that time I have seen others go in to their first appointments with all the family they can drag with them. I guess everyone deals differently. I have a serious streak of independence. So I went alone. I also didn't want to bother anyone - this was me, Jan, having cancer, not the whole world. I think if my Mom was still alive then I would have taken her - maybe - but she passed in 2003. So it was just me against the cancer.
I was told that the biopsy had proved that I had Stage 4 Metastatic Breast Cancer. The cancer I had had in 1999 was angry and it was back. It had spread to my lymph node and then to my lungs. The Doctor was very polite but very pointed on everything. She said I had two treatment options. 'Wooohooo' I thought, 'I have options'. Just wait for it. . . option one was pain medicine. Period. No treatment. Nada. Just let the cancer run it's course. Wow, talk about a let down. Second option - to fight it with everything we have. Beat it back as far as possible and then hold it there for as long as possible. Remember that independent streak, yah, well, I'm a fighter too.
I remember pointedly asking her if anyone survives this - her response - 'at some point the cancer will win and you will lose'. Rats. Deep breath here. Okay. Lets do what we can.
I have to share a funny story here about the Stage 4 diagnosis. I know this is a stupid place to put this but I knew that there were 5 stages to cancer and for a very long time I thought that since I was stage 4 that obviously I had a chance. Not realizing that the first stage of cancer is a 0. Dumb I know. Even with the bad news from the Doctor. I just kept holding on to that for a long time. The Internet cleared that up several months later.
So now comes the bad part. Telling my family. Jeffery and I had everyone sit down and I explained what the Doctor said. Lots of tears were shed. Except by my Son, he absolutely looked at me and said 'I don't know what you are worried about your going to beat this'. And he never flinched from that perspective. Awesome young man. My Daughter on the other hand just bawled. My Husband just held my hand as tears ran down his face.
Two interesting things came after this; one, another Priesthood blessing and two, visiting a man who was battling ALS.
I think we will put that off till tomorrow.
Link here :) Part 6
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