So last time I ended with the note - the space between. Rather cryptic I know. But after the chemo was completed and I started on the tamoxifen a number of things happened. First off the Tamoxifen caused my body temperature to rise so that I was warm ALL the time. I would sleep on the top of the bed with the ceiling fan going in the middle of winter. I assumed it was the 'change' since I was battling hot flashes (about 30 a day) and night sweats and thought that maybe that the 'change' had brought on this and that I would be this way forever. I never connected it to the Tamoxifen. Sadly I gave away all my cold weather clothes including all my heavy coats. Dumb. Funny but dumb. So after the five years and I was finished with the Tamoxifen I started to freeze again and realized what was causing all the excessive overheating and got to buy a whole new wardrobe :)
Second, I started dealing with the repercussions of the surgery. The emotional stuff was tough. I didn't cry but I didn't like the body that I was stuck with. I hid myself all the time and wore things that camouflaged my lost breast - even though I had a replacement. The biggest issue was that my bra would slide clear up to my neck if I wasn't careful since the new breast was more of a lump and had no real definition under it. They did more surgery later to try to correct some of that but it still didn't really help. There was nothing for the bra to hold on to. Finally after many unsuccessful attempts I started wearing sports bras - love them. I even found some that have clasps in the back. But it took several years before I would look at myself naked in the mirror without cringing.
Dealing with the repercussions of surgery was a bit easier for me than for others. This is where my personal belief comes into play. I have mentioned that I am a Mormon in past blogs - well we believe that in the next life that our bodies after being resurrected become perfect. Restored to perfection - so all this physical garbage that I am dealing with is just for this mortal life. Not for forever. This makes it personally easier for me to deal with.
So now to deal with the cryptic 'the space between' line. In case you haven't guessed yet - I got to battle cancer twice. Yup, it came back. In 2007 I noticed that I could no longer feel my left arm pit when I shaved in the shower and my left arm ached all the time. My regular Doctor and I could find nothing wrong - he even did a chest x-ray. Nada. So I emailed my Oncologist and she said it was nothing to worry about. I found out later in my readings that what I was experiencing was a typical first sign of possible metastasis of my cancer. Anyway I was sent home with some anti inflammatory drug and a pat on the head.
About 2 weeks later I was out in the back yard BBQing when I couldn't breath - each breath brought on new and horrible pain. My husband took me to the doctors office and they thought it might be my heart and I was given Nitroglycerin . . . twice. Did you know that stuff can give you a horrible headache? Well it does - it opens up everything in your body and wooosh your head splits. At least mind did anyway. Then I was shoved, politely, into an ambulance and taken to my most un-favorite emergency room. I had been there before I found their service to be seriously lacking. Anyway after 5 hours I was sent home and told to see my Doctor in the AM. Stupid.
Well I put off everything and 2 days later the pain was worse so I went to my most favorite emergency room. I got a super Doctor who said 'we aren't letting you go home till we figure out what is happening'. I got run through a CT scanner for the first time and they took a ton of blood. After the obligatory 5 hours (I think this is a rule in all emergency rooms that you must stay that long) the Doctor was back. He said he had good news and bad news. The good news was that I had pleurisy - that's an infection on the walls surrounding the lungs and is very treatable. And then he looked down at his clip board and I knew. You know how you get those sudden flashes of insight and you just know. I said to him 'the cancer's back isn't it?' and he confirmed it. I had a large tumor under my left arm and lesions all through out my lungs. He had already scheduled me for a biopsy the following week.
I remember leaving the emergency room and climbing in the car with my husband and turning to him and asking 'What did I not learn the first time that I have to do this again?' Well folks that would fill books.
Next time: What Stage 4 Metastatic Breast Cancer means and the battle for my life.
Link here :) Part 5
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